5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This Step breaks the shame cycle and exposes false guilt. The miracle of change happens when we muster the courage to confess to someone what we have uncovered in our Fourth Step. Then, and only then, can God’s love come into us for change. 

Another:

 It is scary because feel vulnerable, which we are. Who do we ask? Sponsor, trusted program friend, pastor – all are good choices. But who would God direct you to? Ask!

We discover acceptance and understanding and support, perhaps for the first time in our lives. We so desperately need it.

It is a risk, so we need courage, so ask!

This Step builds out capability to trust: trust in God who lovingly cares.

In another who understands and accepts us as we are.

In the program because this Step builds hope so we can move on.

We have genuine sorrow over where, how, when we hurt others –will deal with in Step 9.

The healing that comes from this Step is because we accept responsibility, not from self-pity. We are to confess the exact nature of our wrongs, total honesty.

Moves us out of isolation into connection and community. 

We chose to trust in another person to help us sort through our stuff for what is true. We experience conviction (which comes from God) not condemnation (which comes from the Enemy.)

We find acceptance, understanding. This is a shock for some of us as we have long believed that the truth will get us punished. That we have not only done bad, but worse that we are bad which is toxic shame.

We need help to be through by listening to other’s observations. This none shaming experience gives healing.

In the central place of every heart there is a spiritual “receiver.” When all the wires are down and hearts are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then and only then do we lose our coveted and serene sobriety. 

Is your “receiver” tuned into the right frequency? Asking for help from God and another will help clear our receiver so we can know the truth that alone sets us free. 

An Amygdala Moment:

Penny was deeply asleep, buried in the goose down cushion of the Chinese red settee. It was late on a warm evening; the patio door was shut and I was finishing up the pre-bed tasks. All was quiet.

Suddenly she erupted from her sleep, straight up, in a frenzy of growling and barking. She jumped off the back of the settee into the living room, running in circles and clearly distressed. I was not alarmed, only curious, at this unusual behavior. She ran to the patio door, but not out her doggie door, another departure from the norm. 

We live in a townhome complex and have private, small backyard. The fence at the far back is 10 feet tall, the side fences are 8. From the patio door to the back fence is about 20 feet. This area is hers to protect from whatever dares intrude into the space. She usually races out the doggie door at full speed barking and alerting the intruder to her presence. 

Not this time. The growling was new, as was the halt at the door. I got up and pulled back the door and stepped out. Then she was out and headed straight to the back fence. I stepped inside and turned on the outside light. Looking around I could not see what the commotion was all about. She was so upset that she was trying to climb the fence. 

Now, Penny is a Cockapoo, half poodle, and half cocker spaniel. She is the color of pennies, new, used, and old. At the most she weighs 16 pounds — mostly hair. Not much of a threat, but she was giving it her all. I walked up to the fence and pushed several times. Nothing. Tried again, something moved, and it was big. It was sitting on the top of the fence amidst the greenery. 

I went to get my flashlight, looking I saw a opossum, a big opossum. Now what do I do? The hose! I turned it on jet stream, full force and it moved to the left down the fence. It stopped again in another patch of branches. More water and it finally ran on down the fence tops and disappeared.

Penny continued trying to climb the fence, barking and growling. It was very loud, not helped by my calling her name to no avail. I hosed down the fence, and Penny, to wash away the scent and calm her down. That helped. Now she was running back and forth across the patio and whining, crying, but better. With all the spray, I was wet also and concerned about my neighbor’s sleep. 

I gave her time to settle down, and when she was able, I got her in the house, closed off the patio and troweled her dry. She paced and whined for a good hour, until we finally went upstairs about 2:00am to bed. Why was this such a big deal, I wondered.

Several days later, I spotted an article about possums and learned that they have a very offensive odor. Then I got it. Scent is the first sensory input that we have. That is how babies find mom, the nipple and milk. Mammals the world over have this first ability. Blind babies of all kinds find mom this way. Scents go to the thalamus whereas other sensory input goes elsewhere. The input to the thalamus goes straight to the amygdala and with the hippocampus decides if this is pleasure or not. This limbic early-warning system triggers a response of safe, good, or not-safe, bad. If not safe the autonomic nervous system goes into full-blown defense. Fight, flee or freeze. All before there is conscious awareness by the pre-frontal cortex that there is even a danger. Handy in the jungle where tigers lurk. 

The smell of the possum was powerful enough to trigger her fight response through her thalamus even when she was sound asleep. It was not sound or sight, but smell that caused her amygdala response. Impressive. 

Triggers for recovering addicts can be as unconscious as Penny’s adventure with the possum. Smell of a mistress’ perfume, sweat, shampoo or lotion can be thalamus triggers. An innocent walk by the cosmetics counter in Macy’s on the way to men’s shirts could send an addict to act out. Such a slip would be perplexing and defeating, if not understood. Unknown alcohol is food is another hidden danger. Needed prescription drugs can also be triggers. 

Fearful events that trigger an amygdala response can cause a recovering person to flee back into their addiction. Or lead to seething anger, a resentment, the number one cause of relapse according to the Big Book. All from an amygdala moments.

Finding the patterns of these moments, unpacking them to discover the reasons for the reactions will break the learned responses. It takes time, but well worth the effort to be free of such amygdala moments. These are  some of the values from Steps 4-5.

We have had more visits from possums, but the response from Penny is more in keeping with her other defensive reactions. She knows what the smell is now, whereas before it was new, bad, and not safe. Now I get the flashlight and hose, squirt away and problem solved. Lessons learned. 

Then there was the cat in garage…..

Like the special Mary of old, I tend to ponder/mull over/meditate on an idea for some time. This is what I am pondering tonight. Paul hit the nail on the head in his letter to the church in Rome when he said, “the thing I want to do, I don’t and the thing I don’t want to do, I do.” That is our struggle with addiction. Not only to “not do”. But also “to do.” So, it is not only not doing, we get that in Program with sobriety, but we also find in recovery that we are powerless over the softer, easier way of not doing what we need to do. For me it is exercise. I want to, need to, should do, good for me to do…but don’t. Procrastination. Avoidance. Argg….

So, what is going on? Paul teaches us that we are flesh (the human, fallen part) and spirit (the transformed, redeemed part). So, we are both flesh-self and spirit-self, and the struggle between them will continue until heaven. My flesh-self could care less about getting up out of my most comfy chair and go exercise. My spirit-self is saddened by my disobedience and understands it as sin. 

However, I realized today that using my flesh-self to talk my flesh-self into getting up is futile. Powerlessness and unmanageably. Argg x2! Sanity returns when I ask the Holy Spirit for help. The miraculous response is power to my spirit-self and a desire to get up and exercise. Grace-Love Power is immediately available when I use my choice-power to work step 2. Then I can sincerely offer my will and life (the exercise commitment) over to his care! 

These steps give us tools to choose to seek, find and act on removing all the obstacles that our flesh-self uses us to keep us stuck. I am so grateful to God for having learned these truths in program.

From the Good Book:

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

“Come, let’s talk this over, says the Lord. No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are as stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool.”

Isaiah 1:18

“If we refuse to admit that we are sinners, then we live in a world of illusion. But if we freely admit that we have sinned, we find God utterly reliable and straightforward. He forgives our sins and makes us thoroughly clean from all that is evil.”

1 John 1:8-9

“Two can accomplish more than twice as much as one, for the result can be much better. If one fails, the other pulls him up; but if a man falls when he is alone, he’s in trouble. And one standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.”

Ecclesiastes 4:8-10