It was the kind of day when everything was annoying. I even begrudged having to water the plants. I wanted to be left alone. I called to Penny and off we went, she unperturbed by my foul mood.
When we stepped onto the path, I took a deep breath and was glad there was no one to greet us. Penny was eager to be off, so I unclipped her and away she went, tail aloft. I took several steps forward uncertain as to where to go. I noticed a small path on my right, one I do not remember seeing before. Curious, I walked toward it.
It was narrow, ok for one, and lite beyond by a glow. I moved on into a small glade. Lovely. And, empty. Trees of all varieties rang round the circle. Ahead was a tree that grew out into the glade. It was unlike any tree I had seen before, but I was always being surprised with newness here in the Pond Place. I could see that the roots grew out above ground before they went below. They enclosed a space that seemed just right to sit down in. The tree leaned a bit into the forest, slanted so it made a nice back rest. I sat.
Under me was a dark green mound of grass that was bent down by another who had used the tree. It fit just right and I let my head fall back where it was supported by the bark. I wiggled around getting comfortable but noticed a bump in the bark that hit a rib. Just as I became aware, it softened and disappeared. Huh? The tree seems aware of me. Must be an Ent, I speculated as I felt comfortable and welcomed.
The grass was spring green, light and newly grown. But when I looked closer, I could see that the grass was really dark green, lush and vibrant. What lighted it all up were hundreds of tiny flowers. White, pink, yellow, violet ones growing all over . The more I observed, the more I saw them open and blossom. I found that I did not want to blink because I might miss something. There was so much growing activity the glade floor seemed to move, undulate like the movement of the ocean surface. I took off my shoes. It did not seem right to step on the life happening around and under me with something between us. Besides, I wanted to feel the life myself.
I heard a noise, like something pushing through the underbrush. “Aslan”, I called, “please watch over Penny.” There was a woof and a soft roar, so I relaxed knowing she was in good hands, or should I say paws.
I settled in and closed my eyes.
Spiritual breathing…..
That’s what I need to do. I noticed that my breath was high in my chest, so I put my hand over my belly button and focused. Slowing my inhales down I counted. 1-2-3-4 in and out. Let go, let go. Gradually I began to soften inside.
Spiritual breathing….
In and out.
The air was alive with energy and soon I could feel it coming into my body. The light in the air was peach/gold/white colored, but always changing. Like twinkling. Like the flowers, the minute I noticed, the colors changed. I breathed it in hungrily and breathed out my old stale air. That air was like the color of an egg white when the shell was broken while boiling. Kind of a light grey instead of bright white. It felt like my exhales were that color. I kept breathing.
In and out.
Spiritual breathing….
As time moved along, at least I knew it was, but I was all about my breath, so it did not matter.
I became aware of sound. The trees were moving, rather their leaves were. Soft. It reminded me of wind chimes. Wooden ones both solid and hollow, glass, seashells, metal tubes and solid shapes, muted ones with fabric and even plastic. I would hear a distinctive sound and then it was gone or changed so fast I wondered if I really heard it. All the tinkling blended into a soft, soothing, moving background to the air and light. It gentled me.
Overlaid were the birds, bugs, and bees that I had become accustomed to. All this life in the glade carried me along and my breathing synced with its rhythm. The tree moved to hold me in an embrace. I rested.
Spiritual breathing…..
I never saw any animals or the Lord that day. There were moments when I wondered if he were about to arrive. I didn’t need him to come to the glade because I knew he was there. He was there in the life of the Place. I could feel that life in me as I rested and breathed.
But I was struggling again with reality. What is real, really? What is consciousness? How do I know? Can I know, like for sure know? Listening to PBS, NOVA, Through the Wormhole, and reading about Quantum Physics—or is it Mechanics—that says that everything is connected at the most fundamental level. The butterfly flapping its wings in Australia causes a storm in Germany argument. Somehow, I get that everything is in some way connected because God is the connector. I don’t understand it nor can I explain it, but I get it. Also, that the observer is a part of that being observed, that pure objectivity is impossible.
Jesus said that he created this place for me, to bless me and to meet him here. OK, if he connects me, all the memories, associations and what I delight in, to him now, and there is no time with him then here in the Pond Place, then I would not be bound in time either. And he from his loving delight would then mix and match according to what he would know in that moment what would most bless, nurture and heal me in all my brokenness.
Breathe in and breathe out….
So, what’s really the problem? Surrender? Acceptance? Am I choosing to not let go and let God be God? Pride? Egocentricity? Am I still trying to control after all these years of recovery? If I can figure it out in order to believe, then I am in charge and make myself to be like God. Oops, that was Lucifer’s downfall that he wanted to be like God. I am getting anxious.
In and out…..
“Make a decision to turn my will and life over to his care” that is safety. Today, I can turn all this struggle over and make a decision to stop and accept. To choose to believe. I could do it when I was with him, can I do it now when I am alone?
“But Mary Anne you are never alone, I am always with you and I hear your thoughts,” came his voice in my mind.
“Oh! Forgive me Lord for my lack of faith,” I thought back.
“Your struggle is not lack of faith, but a faith struggling to grow. I am pleased. There is nothing to forgive, for you have done no wrong.”
In and out….
“Thank you, Jesus.”
“Any time, I love you child.”
Penny arrived panting and happy. She lay down next to me where I could scratch, rub her and soothe. She took a deep breath, sighed, and relaxed. She was lying like a seal with her hind legs out back, on her tummy with her head between her front paws. My favorite way for her to lay. I wondered what it was like for her in this glade. Breathing the air and being immersed in the livingness of it all. She was content as I knew her to be. I bet she never noticed, just accepted. The blessing of being a dog and not a people.
When it was time to leave, I was so very very grateful for my glade-time. I have remembered it many times when I need to be reminded of spiritual breathing. In and out. As I stirred to get up, the tree moved back letting me go. Must be an Ent, I thought again. I turned and gave it a pat and a thanks, feeling the bark on my palm. Rough but pleasant. At the edge of the glade before I stepped out on the path, I turned. The tree was gone. Yep, I was right, it was an Ent. “Thanks again Lord.”
